What makes this life chaotic

Big sister Teya. Unbelievably intelligent and beautiful.



Maverick. The name says it all.



My favorite picture of Kannon taken by big sister Teya.



Sweet little Faith Ember. Can't wait to see what she is going to be like!


Thank you, Lord for this chaotic life.

Angry

I got the email and listened to the recording of Sunday's announcement/sermon today.
I have been through many emotions this week. Up and down and all over. But, I had not really felt angry until today when I listened to that sermon again. I didn't think that I would feel anger at all. I don't want to be angry. I wish this emotional response would go away. I don't know why listening to the sermon again would trigger this kind of emotion. People keep saying that it is normal to feel angery about what has transpired so, I guess I am just being normal. I hope I can get back to being abnormal soon.

I admit

I have to admit that days like yesterday are unfortunately not the norm for me. Usually I let all that stuff get to me and I end up so grouchy and irritable that I am miserable to be around. HOw terrible for my poor family. Depending on God to get me through the day instead of trying it on my own always makes for a more pleasant ending. So, why don't I just do it that way all of the time?

Bad day? Could have been.

It had all the makings of a very bad day.
My sweet little Faith Ember decided that 5:30 was the best time to wake up for breakfast this morning after finally going to sleep after midnight again.
Maverick was awakened at around 6:30 when he heard Daddy getting ready for work.
I had to start getting ready for work by 7:00. There was no more sleeping for a tired mom. I have a hard time maintaining a loving patience when I am exhausted. Sorry kiddos, Mommy does try.
The inevitable sinus headache from the cold front comming our way was beginning to set in.
My stomach hurt.
My heart hurt (still does).
Teya and Kannon were extremely whiny and clingy. They don't feel all that great either.
The house is in desperate need of a major clean up. As usual. I just didn't have the energy to do it. As usual.
I can't seem to shake all this stress that has been weighing me down lately.
And many other small things that I could add to the list.

All the makings of a bad day.
Yet as I sit here, waiting for Ember to settle down and be ready for sleep, after midnight again, I think back on the day and have only pleasant thoughts. How can that be? It felt like it would be impossible to make it to bedtime this afternoon. How can it be? It's because there is a wonderful Lord up there that provided me with the strength and energy I needed and a bit of help from my amazing husband. I don't know verses from the Bible by memory or even where to find them for the most part but, I do know that somewhere in there we are told that if we ask we will receive. I asked and here I am at the end of what could have been a bad day with a smile on my face. Well, not quite on my face, that would take more energy than I have at this point but, it is in my heart. :)
Thank you Neil, my amazing husband, for giving me those last 10 minutes of your lunch hour to just lay down and rest while you took care of the girls. It was more helpful than you can know!
Thank you, Gram for letting us come over and swim and for providing us with dinner.
Thank you Lord, for giving me the strength and energy I needed to get past the tiredness and pain and actually have fun playing with my children.
It could have been a bad day. But, it was a fun afternoon and evening swimming and playing with the kids and spending time with Gram who really needed to spend some time with us instead.
What a wonderful God He is.

It's time for sleep

Hmm.....
How do you get a 10 week old baby to go to sleep when she doesn't want to? I had 3 children before her, you would think that I would have that one figured out. No. Not at all.
There she sits in her swing, looking at me with those big, beautiful, blue eyes...wide awake.
I love this quiet time that we get to spend together when everyone else is asleep. However, it's midnight now and it has been a very long day. I am ready to go to bed.
Too bad for me that she is not.

What can I say?

After receiving shocking news yesterday, I spent the morning reading all the blogs that I could find that were written by people from my church. I found myself with an intense desire to connect with other people and find out what their thoughts and feelings are. The result? I find myself feeling incredibly blessed to be a member of such an amazing church family. The grace and love illustrated in those blogs that I found and read was overwhelming.

I don't know what I could possibly say that would encourage others the way that I have been encouraged by others; yet, I feel myself driven to start one of these crazy blog things of my own. Maybe all this will do is help me to get to know these people and help them to get to know me. If that is all I get from writing, that would be worth it.

What happened yesterday was shocking and heartbreaking. I find myself unable to stop dwelling on it. I get distracted by something the kids say or do, only to get stuck right back with thoughts of yesterday's news. Maybe writing about it will help me close that door, if just for a little while. But, I just don't know what to say.

I feel such a great hurt for the family, for EVERYBODY in the family. I feel such a longing to DO something. What? I have no idea. What could I possibly do that would be worth anything to them? Nothing. They don't even know me. All I can do is pray for them. And that is what I will do. I will pray for their healing. I will pray for the healing of our amazing church family. I will pray that people will have forgiving spirits and that they will choose to support the healing of everyone involved. I will pray for the good that the Lord will bring out of this.

I feel a great sense of loss. I was supposed to experience the legendary teaching of a wise woman in a class about mothering this fall. I feel robbed of her ministry. I am comforted in the knowledge that there are still other women with wisdom to share with us. Yet, my emotions are still screaming "It's not fair!" It's not fair to lose the opportunity to learn from such a great teacher either. I am feeling very selfish in that. How.....human of me, I suppose.

I am a bit scared as well. I don't particularly like change. A big change like this is scary. What will happen next? How will the people of our church react? People have told me to expect a drop of at least 50%. That is scary because my job depends on people coming to church as well as the giving of those people. But, besides my job security, I love those people, and their kids, who I care for and I don't want to lose their presence in my life. Once again, I am being selfish.

There is a man out there. I wonder what he is feeling? I wonder what he is thinking? I wish I could embrace him and tell him that it will be okay. Somehow it will be okay. I wish I could tell him that he has my support, not my judgement. That he has my love, not my anger. That he has my understanding, not my criticism.

There is a woman out there. I wonder how she is feeling right now. How will she begin the healing? I wish I could embrace her and tell her that I understand. That she has my support and love. I am in awe of her strength....to sit through all four services yesterday. Truely amazing. I wish to thank her for her show of support at a time when she was in such great need of support for herself.

What can I say? What can I do? I don't know. I don't know.

We are all human. We are all fallen. We are all sinners.
How wonderful is it that there is a God who is always forgiving and will always love us?
It is beyond comprehension.